Leaving an Abusive Job is Like Leaving an Abusive Relationship
I have two clients who left abusive work environments. Both show signs of recovering from an abusive relationship.
I want to tell you their stories and get your feedback.
Denise’s Story
Denise worked for the same company for over 15 years. She rose up through the ranks to be the CEO’s chief of staff. The CEO was a bit of a cold fish. He was largely emotionless and could be quite verbally and emotionally abusive when things did not go well. Being a divorced woman in her 50s, the CEO’s wife never treated Denise with respect.
Denise got along with everyone at the office most of the time. She interacted with people at all levels and treated them with the same level of respect. She prided herself on how she interacted with others, which was in sharp contrast to the behavior of her boss.
A few years ago, she realized that the lack of emotional support and abuse really ate at her. She asked to work in another area within the company. Everything went downhill from there.
Denise managed a small staff in a highly visible marketing function. After about a year, they laid off all of her staff quite suddenly. Her department’s work level did not diminish, but now Denise had to perform the functions entirely on her own. After another year, they laid her off as well. The kicker was that they laid her off and walked her to the door immediately.
Denise felt like she had been kicked in the stomach and had a knife in her back. She felt betrayed.
All of Denise’s professional relationships still worked for her former employer. She had few networking connections outside of this group. For the next year, Denise tried to get hired back into the company while, at the same time, looking for work out in the real world. She did land some contract work and was later hired for a lower-level job at the company that formerly laid her off. Later, she was let go again after 90 days on the job…and was never sure why.
It was similar to splitting up with your spouse and then trying to get back together. The relationship ended in a divorce.
New Job
Denise now works as a Chief of Staff for the Chairman of the Board of a high-profile company. The first few months have been very strange for her. The culture at the new company is warm and welcoming, She finds herself asking, “Why is everyone being so nice to me?”
Listen to the most recent episode
Denise is just beginning to realize how affected she was by the abusive and demeaning environment of her former job. But now, she is on the road to recovery.
For Denise, this was just like leaving an abusive relationship.
Wendy’s Story
Wendy worked as a product/project manager for a Fortune 50 technology company. She worked in a division that was acquired and then integrated into the main company. Wendy never felt like she fit into the corporate culture after her original employer was acquired.
Musical chairs occurred with her first boss, and a new one rotated into her office every few months. Wendy’s next team lead began to treat her in an abusive manner. The kicker was that her team leader purposely baited her to go to human resources.
Wendy was given projects in which she was not privy to the important information she needed in order to be successful. She was set up to fail.
Wendy felt isolated with nowhere to go. Through this abusive pattern, she learned that she could not to trust anyone at the company. The abusive behavior may not have been overt, but it was woven into every part of her role…kind of like a low-level headache that just won’t go away.
New Job
Wendy was soon hired for a job within a different part of the company. It took months for her old group to let her go. They made it as difficult as possible to get all of her work done so that she could move on to her new job.
Wendy’s new boss treats her with respect and she really likes her team. In the first month, they asked her to attend a conference half a world away. She is being challenged and is taking on new responsibilities
Like Denise, Wendy is asking herself, “Why is everyone being so nice to me?” It feels very odd and uncomfortable that things are going so smoothly. She was still conditioned to expect the worst from her colleagues. Good treatment just didn’t feel natural.
Your Turn
I would like your opinion on this post. Both Wendy and Denise are women. They both worked in companies that were very balanced in gender and the abuse came from both men and women.
Both are recovering and enjoying their new environments.
Leave your comment on the social media platform where you found this or click on the Contact Career Pivot tab and send me a message. I am interested in your perspective.
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The protocols for professional supervisory management are as tried and true and as available to learn about as say, the treatment of asthma or diabetes. The protocols are as available as say, an owner’s manual for an automobile. It is as “normal” as can be to think it reasonable to learn what history and research teach us about clinical care or handling the car we have invested in. The human and financial tragedy is that the vastness of employee energy, intellect, creativity, heart and soul are not often understood as addressable by the lessons of history and research. The Pygmalion effect in reverse takes over and untold ROI is squandered by employers. Learning about the professional approach to management, benefitting from working for people who used it and teaching it throughout some large, aware, committed companies has been the highlight of my professional life. I want to do more!!!
Margaret,
You are assuming that managers are trained to be managers. Most have never been trained and therefore,… well ….. hmmm…. may not be very good at it.
Marc
Often promoted by managers who themselves were not trained. The blind leading the blind to rise to the level of their own incompetence (to mash to metaphors together).
I really didn’t think it was possible, being in a non-profit sector. But corporate bullying exists. Expectations are not communicated. You are given assignments or unreachable goals and when you ask for help, shoulders are shrugged. Signs include being excluded from the table, yet the expectation is that you should have known. Yes, it is like a domestic abusive relationship. Corporate bullying from within.
Linn,
I experienced bullying behavior in my one year career in the non-profit sector. I say some abysmal behavior that was largely brought on by stress and fear.
I understand where you are coming from.
Marc
I’m experiencing gender bias and bullying in my non-profit sector job. Isolation, being given menial tasks while my male colleagues are chosen for high-profile projects, imposition of silly rules which others can ignore – all the hallmarks. I’m actively looking for a new position, but share your surprise that this would occur in a “mission-drive” setting.
Thanks Mr. Miller for this great post. Posts I’ve read about workplace bullying often state that male supervisor – female direct report bullying is most common.
I recommend the site bullyonline(dot) org to help people recognize and deal with workplace bullying. Although directed at workers in the United Kingdom, it has many great tips for workers anywhere. It’s been invaluable for me, as I work to find a new job and regain my sense of professional (and even personal!) worth.
If you read the book Knowing Your Value https://www.amazon.com/Knowing-Your-Value-Women-Getting/dp/1602861609/ref=as_sl_pc_tf_til?tag=myca4myli-20&linkCode=w00&linkId=U5ZCR2RB7CNZXR7H&creativeASIN=1602861609
The author writes that her worst experiences with bullying came from women managers. I will check out the website you mentioned.
It took me three years to build up my confidence and a plan to leave my abusive employer. I worked for a major University, and my problems started when I became a mother. I can definitely identify with much of what has been said previously– having a volatile boss that could be verbally abusive one moment and super-nice the next, silly rules imposed on me but not others, being set up to fail, being excluded from important conversations. The straw that broke my back was going in for my yearly evaluation and being told repeatedly that I was a “problem employee” with “serious performance issues”. This was the first I had heard this. I couldn’t help but wonder if it had to do with the fact that I was 7 months pregnant with my second child. I was singled out for missing a deadline that others in the office had also missed– when I pointed this out I was told it would be reflected in their reviews as well. But when I asked my co-workers about it they all said it wasn’t even mentioned in their reviews. The conversation continued and included accusations that I was a “poor communicator, lacked teamwork skills, and was unprofessional”. I tried to defend myself but was shot down and told I needed monthly meetings with him to address all my “serious performance issues”. I sought help from upper administration and was told that they couldn’t do anything without me filing a formal complaint with HR. I knew that would do no good because I had seen how those that had gone to HR in the past were treated even worse and were driven out. I had my baby and being away from the stress made me realize that life could be different. I came back to tie up loose ends, and to see if by some miracle the environment had improved. Of course it hadn’t, so I left. I’m pursuing some independent consulting and part-time work and I finally have a good work/life balance. After about 3 weeks away from the old toxic environment I realized I felt something I hadn’t felt in years: relaxed.
Good for you. Sometimes you need to get away from the situation to get clarity.
Marc
I went through this – was with a company for 11 years, always had great performance reviews, good relationships with supervisors and teammates, until I was transferred to a team that was not a good fit. For my last 2 years with this team and the company, my supervisor treated me as though I were a real burden who was not able to perform the duties of the job to her standards. I did push back, unable to disguise my disapproval of her demeanor and her lack of technical knowledge and communication skills. Asserting myself only hastened my departure. She set me up with a performance improvement plan that was pretty clearly a plan to fire me, and that’s what happened. I tried to get the support of HR, but they basically told me their job was to support my manager so that she could support me. It was traumatic, after having spent so many successful years with the company. I’m glad I’m no longer there, but I’m still trying to build up my professional self-esteem 9 months later.
Stick with it Brian. You are a good man and will recover.
I was also in an abusive career relationship for many years. The sad thing is that while I am highly educated and was very aware of the situation, breaking away was extremely difficult – I now really understand the challenges of breaking away from personal abusive relationships. I could write a book on my experiences, but I do think that women are more susceptible – perhaps it is the way we are raised or how we are wired, I am not sure. I do know that I did not want to “hurt” or “disappoint” others, that I was emotionally attached to the company, and that I had been taught to serve. Now that we are divorced, I have much more clarity, no desire to return (although that has been suggested several times), and am much more satisfied with building my own business – a challenge yes, but one with hope for the future.
Anne,
Thanks for sharing!
Good subject to explore, Marc. Anyone working for an abusive employer, is indeed in an abusive relationship. As a personal and career coach, I have seen competent and experienced people so badly beaten down by their work environment that it takes a significant amount of time to fully recover their confidence and self-esteem. This is a terrible thing to do to our workforce, yet bullying seems to be more prevalent than ever. The cost is high, to our communities, our families, and the company’s ROI. Low morale is very expensive and is reflected in low productivity, absenteeism, and healthcare costs.
In Denise’s story, it is especially telling that an abusive workplace is like an abusive spouse. She tried to go back to the same company (and did for a short time), a pattern that is prevalent among abuse victims. Victims get so used to the abusive treatment that, at some level, it becomes their comfort zone. Sadly, abusers rarely change. If the company tolerated the abuse in one department, they’ll do so again. My advise. Find yourself a new work relationship.
And, it’s not just women. Men are just as susceptible to mistreatment in the workplace.
Shirley,
My last J-O-B was a very abusive environment. I left after I was put in a highly unethical position. I was not bullied but many of my colleagues were by my boss. You are right men are just as susceptible to this kind of mistreatment.
Marc
Important subject–thanks for addressing. I am currently taking time off while sorting last few years’ experiences, recognizing that abusive behavior, even predatory, exists in all spheres.
That you highlight the time it takes to process and recalibrate is a critical point. “Recovery” takes time and healthy space.
Anne,
The key is to give yourself the time and space to recovery.
Good luck!
Marc
I had this experience when I was promoted from retail barista to corporate social media manager at a quickly growing SF Bay area coffee chain. Despite being their first choice candidate when I was hired, I was not given the tools I needed to succeed.
When I was hired I was asked what tools I needed and I said a DSLR, a new phone, a mac with photoshop. I was told I would get them as soon as I started. Instead, I was given the cheapest macbook in production which was standard issue in the company with excel and no additional software.
I was expected to do be photographer for product shots and do heavy photo editing and content, without being supplied photoshop / camera, and not being paid enough to afford my own photoshop & camera. When I asked for photoshop I was repeatedly denied.
Because of lack of resources, I ended up making all of the content for this job on my phone, which was aging and had low megapixels. I was denied a phone repeatedly denied by higher ups. But my boss always complained about the quality, so I purchased a brand new phone out of pocket to be able to do my work.
My boss would nitpick all my content so I would be constantly redoing content on my phone for hours since I didn’t have an app with layers that I needed to be able to quickly do edits of completed content like I could with Photoshop.
My boss would complain that I did not have as many likes and followers were not growing as quickly as Blue Bottle, our competitor. Meanwhile, I knew the photographer who worked for blue bottle and they told me there was a team of 5 on social media and they had paid facebook and twitter ads. Of course they were doing better than I was!
Eventually I was laid off. They then used baristas to fill the gap without giving them raises or promotions. I just ran into one of them recently, they no longer work at the company.
Shortly after I was laid off my boss went on maternity leave and never came back. The new person they hired to replace me just uses the same ideas and system that I created. They got a photographer and that person edits the photos for them. They still never caught up to Blue Bottle.
Matt,
Thanks for sharing.
Marc
It is an abusive relationship, this is a good analogy. After several years of self-esteem destruction by an abusive boss I jumped ship to a new job that I didn’t adequately research. Like a person leaving an abusive relationship only to rebound to a worse nightmare I did so with a new job. The new boss was great I focused on how wonderful the boss was while slowing losing my health to doing the job of 3 people with a CEO that was frighteningly unstable.
The new boss was a buffer from the crazy and threatening CEO but, then, his whole strategy about keeping his employees in the job involved lying, hiding, and manipulating the CEO to avoid her attention.
Like a batterer — any attention is going to go south. His motto, disappear so you are not a target, say yes and thank you a lot and even if the CEO got something terribly wrong, be part of the chorus telling her she is absolutely fabulous. If any of us deterred from that we’d have hell to pay in being targeted.
This created a workplace full of paranoia and fear. It was a us against the manager monster which meant that she had all the power and our only power was to lie and proclaim her greatness regularly. I learned to do it. The problem was that my work load was untenable, we needed 3 people to carry the load. Coworkers remarked they feared I was working myself to death. Then, I had a stroke and all that time off I did not take because I was a workaholic didn’t matter any more.
NO job is worth your health, your peace of mind and your future. I’m permanently marred from this. The things I learned 1) after a bad job ends take some time off and heal so you don’t miss red flags a second time. 2) get out before you die. I had a very real fear of homelessness but I found that even the worst scenario of losing housing is better than losing your health because you are bullied into a stroke
Grace,
As you say “NO job is worth your health, your peace of mind and your future.” I say amen to that.
Marc
It’s even harder to leave an abusive work relationship if you have a disability. Just as in domestic violence, you have reliance on income and insurance, etc. you need to take care of yourself and family. We had a new director come in, and I knew immediately I needed to develop an exit strategy at my job, and knew it would take some time because of the bias that goes along with finding accessible and welcoming employment as a female, Latina, wheelchair user. I was very good at my job and well regarded by my students and faculty.
Then, suddenly I was placed on paid administrative leave. It was nearly two months before I was told I was being investigated for discrimination – essentially every category of people, protected and not, and that I would be fired at the conclusion of the investigation. In the meantime, I had people in public call me a white supremacists and homophobic. While not physically in danger, my career was being murdered. I have spent more than 20 years as an advocate for marginalized groups of people.
I have not yet found a new career, but I’m out of the relationship.
Yikes Bree.
Are you continuing to look for a job in higher education?
Marc Miller
Landed here looking for resources to help my recovery from 5 years with an emotionally and psychologically abusive principal (elementary school teacher). Unfortunately, I am still in the same building, and although leadership has changed, the overall damage has continued to infect the school because the widespread abuse of staff was never addressed. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and am seeing a PHD psychologist for counseling, but the damage is deep. No, most people in management in any field have any training. Our societal structures say the expertise in a field is the correct qualification for managing people. It is not. This, beyond any issue, will be the death of our education system.