Closet Introvert
I will admit that I am a closet introvert!
I am not alone. There are many of you out there who appear to be extroverts but are really closet introverts.
Is there a 12-step program for this condition?
Why do naturally introverted people start behaving like extroverts?
They get paid to be extroverted! DUH! The awards and kudos all go to extroverts!
Introvert to Extrovert Conversion
I was a pretty shy kid.
I was 6’4″ and 145 pounds when graduating from high school. My big head of red hair (this was the early 1970s) did not make me a chick magnet.
I went to engineering school at Northwestern. Lots of introverts there!
I took a job at IBM programming word processors. Lots of introverts there!
In the mid-1980s, I took a job running a help desk supporting mechanical engineers. I got to talk to people which was fun. The more I spoke to groups the better and better I got at it. One of the perks from this was that I ran quarterly meetings and I was good at it. WOW! As a result, I received kudos.
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I went off into training where I got promoted and won awards.
I learned to behave like an extrovert. There was only one issue.
Boy, did I get tired! It was exhausting! It manifested physically in lower back problems. Once or twice a year, my back would spasm. I had to learn to take better care of myself if I wanted to continue to behave like an extrovert.
I learned to behave like an extrovert, but it consumed lots of energy.
Does this sound familiar?
Closet Introvert
Here is a great video on why you have become a closet introvert.
Let’s talk about three signs that you might be a closet introvert.
Group Dinner
You have traveled on business to meet with clients or coworkers. You have been with them all day! At 5 PM, someone says,
“Let’s go get drinks and dinner!”
If you feel like you want to go back to your room and vegetate, you are likely a closet introvert.
Being with people all day has drained you. You need time to go back to your room and recharge.
Public Speaking
You have worked hard to give a great presentation to an important audience. You are pumped up and go on stage with a burst of energy. The presentation goes great.
When you walk off, everyone gives you positive accolades. You feel great. You sit down, and the adrenaline starts to wear off (adrenalin is a GREAT DRUG!). Fifteen or twenty minutes later, you slump in your chair, exhausted.
You are likely a closet introvert.
Evening with Your Spouse
You have been in meetings all day, but now it’s time to leave. When you get home, your spouse wants to have a discussion with you about an important issue. You just want to crawl into a corner or go to bed!
Come on, you know exactly what I am talking about. Unless you had time to decompress on the commute home, you need downtime.
You are likely a closet introvert.
Being an Actor
For most of us when we started our careers we became actors. We went to work and play roles. Sometimes, we were really good at playing those roles. In fact, if we play those roles long enough we start believing we are the characters we are playing.
We become actors.
In 2004, after my near fatal accident (which you can read about in the post A Near Fatal Bicycle Accident Was Actually a Mammoth Gift) I decided to become a high school math teacher. At that point, I had taught in 40 different countries on a wide range of topics for IBM and my first tech startup Agere Inc.
I had played the extrovert role for so long, that I was convinced I was an extrovert. The problem was that while playing the role of a trainer, I was on stage maybe 4-8 hours a week. As a high school mather teacher, I was on stage 30-35 hours a week.
After 2 years, I was exhausted, drained and depressed. I was not who I thought I was. I was not an extrovert but a closet introvert.
Check out my podcast episode From High-Tech Training to High School Teacher, and Why I Left. [Podcast]
What to do about it?
Most of us are paid to be extroverts. Susan Cain discusses this extensively her book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (affiliate link). Ever since Dale Carnegie wrote the best selling book, “How to Win Friends & Influence People,” we have had the cult of the personality. We are all supposed to be extroverts, or at least we are supposed to behave like extroverts, to become successful in our careers.
Here are a few ideas on how to take better care of yourself as a closet introvert.
- Block off times of the day to be alone – If you are in all day meetings, find a place where you can sit by yourself, and do something that gives you energy. This might be reading your favorite book, listening to music on your iPhone, or getting online to research your next vacation. Even if it is just for 10 minutes multiple times a day, you will be surprised what it will do for you.
- Eat a snack before a presentation – I worked in an IBM Briefing Center for many years. I found that if I ate an apple before my morning presentations, I felt so much better afterward. I learned that my breakfast was not sufficient to get me to lunch when I had to present in the morning.
- Block off time before and after an event – If I am going to present or attend a conference where I will be interacting with a lot of people, I block off several hours before and after to be alone. I do not allow that time to be compromised.
- Find the right environment to work in – I am a big outdoors guy. As I am writing this update, I am sitting by a big window overlooking a hollow next to my condominium. When the weather is nice, I take all of my phone calls from a footbridge that crosses the hollow. I do this for no other reason than being outside is restorative.
Susan Cain referred to these interludes in your day as restorative niches. Find activities or environments that restore you and insert them into your day. Here are some examples of restorative niches:
- Sketching on a drawing pad multiple times a day
- Having lunch outside
- Taking breaks during long meetings and listening to music
- Bringing small home projects to your office so you can work on them during breaks
All of these can be accomplished during short breaks and can be restorative.
I have stood on stage many times and told the audience that I am a closet introvert. They all go—right!! The problem is that a good part of the audience are really closet introverts themselves.
Do you see yourself in this post? Are you really a closet introvert?
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Sounds great – “Block off times of the day to be alone”, “Block off time before and after an event”. But these are increasingly impossible to achieve in corporates where employees are expected to be ever-alert and available to respond, and are so often measured by response speed rather than response content. Not responded to the e-mail sent two hours ago? Didn’t reply to that voicemail I left you 40 minutes ago? Not picking up the instant message from 5 minutes ago? Tsk! And as for “Eat a snack before a presentation” – why, all that white space in diaries that used to be for “lunch” is just great to fit in another conference call. So I do support the symptoms you identify, and the solutions you put forward, but managers need to take on board that a balanced team is likely to include closet introverts (among many other personalities!) and give them some space…
It’s important that we continue to better understand the difference between Introvert and Extravert (Jung). Your descriptions, stories, examples are great and ring true. I really believe this is the most misunderstood dichotomy. And I will welcome the day when we won’t have to suggest that we have to “fix” the Introvert (i.e. 12 step program for this condition) since we rarely suggest “fixing” the extravert.
Agree. We are seeing ample evidence now that a balance of personality types enhances the way a team functions. Many top companies have introverts in key leadership positions. Introverts tend to take time to weigh all aspects of an issue before formulating a decision; this trait is frequently devalued because we place such a premium on saving time although it can result in a more sound decision in complex business situations.
I totally agree.
Maureen,
The 12 step program remark was not to “fix the introvert” but to “fix the closet introvert” or getting the introvert to understand they really are an introvert. Once, they truly understand that then they can, including myself, better take care of themselves.
I spent so many years (seriously, since I was a small child!) plagued with guilt and angst about what was called shyness, quietness, aloofness, etc., and always thought there was something wrong with me. I wasn’t spectacular, outgoing, or lively for long stretches, like some of my friends were. I could, and still can have some fun, no question; I enjoy the party for a while, but it’s not long before I’m eyeing the door and dreaming of solitude. Last year I read a book called “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking”, by Susan Cain, that I really enjoyed. I recommend it for anyone, Intro or Extro, seeking a better understanding of these personality types.
Denise,
Thanks for the comment. I have had multiple refer to the book your referenced.
Is it possible to have been an extrovert at one time in your life, and say 30 yrs later you have transitioned to an introvert? I used to LOVE being around people, was outgoing and always adding “stuff” to my life to fill up my day all day long. I am now 60 yrs old and while I still love being around people (and consider myself to be outgoing but to a lesser degree), I now like it in much smaller doses. Today, I don’t want to be with my coworkers all day and then go out for dinner and drinks at 5:00 pm. I want to go home and veg out or perhaps go for dinner and drinks with my husband but not the people I have just spent 8-10 hours with. I don’t consider myself shy, I just don’t like large crowds anymore. I can strike up a conversation with all sorts of people and will literally find something to talk about to anyone. I just don’t want to spend more than a short/reasonable time with them. On the other hand I could spend 24/7 with my husband, lol… not everyone can say that!
Vicky,
I used to think I was an extrovert. The difference is I do not have the stamina I used to have. At 60, I am in really good shape, but I wear down much faster than when I was younger.
I was always an introvert but in sheep’s clothing.
This is my story. I am an introvert married to an extrovert. I supervise extroverts who act quickly speak quickly……I often feel that they think I’m slow and incompetent. I’m learning to explain myself more. My mode of processing, working etc.
You are not slow or incompetent but you do like to think before acting.
I am like Denise. I have spent my whole life trying to overcome the extreme shyness that plagued me in childhood. I forced myself out of my shell in order to be able to take advantage of the many opportunities that go to extraverts and not introverts.
I agree with your tips–especially the quiet time and eating before and after presentations, Meanwhile, I am in my second career and trying to find a job that balances time with people and time alone, or to put it another way, time working with people, either teaching or as part of a team, and time working independently on my own projects. I have found out over the years that I do my best work in that kind of environment. But finding a position like that has been a challenge.
I appreciate the work that has come out in the last few years about introverts. So now we don’t have to be ashamed about it anymore!
Some of our top CEOs, Steve Job and Bill Gates, are introverts. What have found that for those of you who do not respond quickly it is good to learn to say “can I get back to you on that”.